The Return Of The Nappies

“What is that? let me sniff, please.”

“Get off me. Let’s see when you’ ll get to my age”

” No need to be so mean, I just wanted to know why mama keep framing your butt in that thing”

This must be more or less the meaning of the barking and growling between Clara and Kurt the other night.

it all started a few weeks ago when we realised Clara’s senile dementia had brought along some mild incontinence too.

We had a few accidents but nothing really alarming, until the accidents had been three in a row and not while she was sleeping on her bed downstairs but while she was sleeping on our bed upstairs.

The anti-incontinence syrup the vet gave us,  doesn’t obviously work as it should. We needed nap pies, and so here I am browsing in Tesco around the diapers aisle.

Who would have ever imagined I would be back to buy nappies after all those years? And who would have thought that the world of nappies had changed so much? Too many choices, I am definitely too old for all this.

After I spent ten minutes staring at the variety of brands and styles of baby nap pies in front of me, I made the first screening: I opted for the cheapest brand. And that was the easy part as now I had to pick the right size and all of this under the scrutiny of a Tesco lady and her.  

“What kind of mother doesn’t know which nappies buy fo her child and then go fo the cheapest ones?”, she don’t say it but her judgmental expression left no doubts that it was what she was thinking. I, immediately felt the urge to defend my dignity as a mother and I excused my incompetence saying that actually I was shopping fir my dog , not my child. Eventually she didn’t look at me like at the lousiest of the mothers, but simply as a weirdo.

No point to continuing this psychological battle I couldn’t win and I went back to my nappies mission. I, in fact, already wasted too much time and my friends were waiting for me for a Christmas coffee morning. Of course, I have bee mannered enough to let them know I was running late because of some unexpected diapers shopping unaware that my text would have generated dozens of texts of speculation in our chat and when I finally joined them, they didn’t try to hide their curiosity about my quite unconventional morning shopping. I couldn’t resist and let them believe I bought babies nappies because I needed them for an actual baby…….my baby.

Their faces were indescribable, half open speechless mouth and jaws that dropped down the floor. And that is when I realized that when you are a middle-aged woman, the announcement of pregnancy is not met by cheerful congratulations but by condescending looks and a general embarrassment as it is not clear if the news is good or bad. Well, I must be honest and to me…. news would be bad, I couldn’t really see myself to deal with a baby right now…..once you taste freedom again is hard to go back! Maybe the Tesco lady was right and I am a lousy mother, but who cares; the liberty of jumping in and out of the car without having those evil baby seats to deal with is priceless and even more priceless is been able to send your kids running those errands you couldn’t bother less to do. Of course I soon took them out of their misery and after braking in a deep high laugh I to,d them I actually need the nap pies for Clara.They were all very sympathetic and sorry fir the good old dog but hey… the end better her then me right?

Done with this little digression now, let’s go back to nappies business. The only criteria to pick the size that seemed reasonable and practical was the weight. Unfortunately, too many years had passed after that last pack of nappies I bought for daughter number two and defo my eye for sizes is not accurate anymore, also the weight on dogs not always coincide with the weight in human and as a result the nappies were too small. As soon as Clara started to walk nappy fell off. I decided to give it a chance anyway for the night. After all, overnight she is supposed to sleep and not wander around, even because now she needs help to get on and down the bed.

It turned out that good old Clara has a more agitated sleep than I ever realised and the following morning the nappy was on the floor and the blanket under her was wet.

Back I was to the so dreaded nappies aisle to buy a pack of diapers a size up. The problem was that I already bought the bigger size. Defo Clara needs a diet, but meanwhile, I still need a bigger size of diapers. The only options were pull-ups. Let’s try them. They also have cute decors on them.

Another evening, and other nappy: I cut the hole for the tail and this time the fit is nearly perfect except the nappy was a bit lose on the waist and so I had to tie an elastic band around it to keep it steady.

The night passed with no accident but not thanks to the nappy but thanks to me that, incapable to relax,  I woke up twice to let her out.

Convinced to be on the right track, the following night I tried again. I was exhausted and fell asleep profoundly, Clara managed to slip out the diaper, again, but still, for some unknown and very fortunate reason, her bladder behaved.

I am no fool, and I  knew it was pure luck as the accident of the night after proved.

” we need proper dogs nappies or she ll have to sleep in a crate in the kitchen”, the traveling husband was back just the night of the last accident !

After a bit of browsing around the internet, I found a pet shop relatively close where they sell dogs’nappies.

I checked the size chart, I measured Clara and I knew exactly what to buy. Then why the feck did I follow the shop assistant advice and went a size down? I have no idea. Stupidity or desperation most probably.

I was furious, with myself, of course, now I had three opened packs of nappies I didn’t know what to with,  and also I had to go back to the pet shop to get a fourth pack.

Poor Clara was not less pissed than me as for the last week she model for nappies restlessly and unwillingly. Despite it all, I was determined to fix this ” leaking ” and to not let her sleep in a crate, and so I braved the fog and went back to the pet shop that very same evening. I drove back to the pet shop, but this time it worth the hassle. The nappies I came home with are eventually a perfect fit and they work as perfectly and absorbently. No more modeling and trying different type of nappies for poor Clara and no more measurements and cutting holes for tails for me.

Clara is back on the couch with us while watching tv in the evening and on our bed without fearing to wake up in a big paddle.