The killer fish

I am a dog and a cat person, basically I like fury pets I can interact with but I have to say I started to warm up to this fish business too. I bought my first 2 fishes when my eldest daughter graduated from Montessori and they lasted forever!!!!I had these memories of when I was a child that gold fishes never lasted long and they were constantly flashed down the toilet so I didn’t have big expectations.Horace and Jasper instead,lived with us for 4 years and one of them also lied eggs.I didn’t even know it was possible.Eggs didn’t survive !Horace ate them all and from that day Jasper became Jaspera!After they died,we didn’t replace them,busy moving house but soon after settling in the new house the request arrived and I immediately said yes. I think I missed to see the bowl in my kitchen and the dogs looking curiously through it.We went to the pet shop and got 2 gold fishes.When back home I went straight into the shed to get the old fish bowl.I was sure it moved with us.It didn’t. I looked everywhere but no sign of the fish bowl and still I can’t remember to throw it away but there was no way I could find it.It was not at home.By the time I finished the search it was 6 o’clock in the evening that means the shops were closed ,it was too late to buy a new one.For the night, we had to improvise and left the fishes in a kitchen bowl.When we got up in the morning,one of the two was lying dead on my kitchen counter. It jumped out.

Not much for a good start I thought. Girls of course were disappointed and fighting over whose fish died .I didn’t want to risk the remaining fish to jump out as well so I covered the bowl with some foil and pierced it for air.After dropping the girls at school and walking the dogs I went back to the pet shop to buy an other fish and a new fish bowl. I bought a little aquarium instead,that, I discovered it is much less work then the common fish bowl we had before.The trick is in in the filter that keeps the water recirculating so that it is sufficient to clean it every 3/4 weeks. Fantastic.

I went home set it up and decorated with coloured stones ,shells and a couple of little statues and put the fishes in. When the girls came back from school,they were delighted.Looking after the fishes is now their job,I only help with cleaning the tank.Robert and Apollo seemed doing fine until one morning we found Apollo dead.

When we went to the shop to get a new fish and told what happened they said that probably Robert bullied Apollo being considerably bigger.The pet shop boy made sure to give us a fish at least same size of Robert.Frederick arrived home.

Things were good for a while until one day ,Frederick was floating dead too.

Here we are at the pet shop again.I was nearly ashamed to ask for an other fish.

They must think we are eating them or smuggling them or,even worse,using them for illegal experiments. The pet shop boy this time made us lots of questions about the water ,may be Frederick died because of a lack of oxygen.He suggested to keep an eye if they were mainly staying in the upper part of the tank(apparently it is not a good thing as it means they are looking for oxygen). We went home with a very nice fish,red and white,big size to confidently fight Robert back.Freeda we called it.It had to be a female fish,she had lipstick.Yes lipstick!It had in fact this little red stripe just above her lips that really looks like lipstick.Freeda turned out to be a tough girl: so far she was the one surviving Robert the longest ,despite the fact we noticed few time Robert snipping at her and chasing her tail.During the holidays ,we left our fishes with some friends.We have the agreement to mind each other’s aquatic little friends whenever we are away and thankfully so far it never happened we were away at the same time.Back home from summer holidays,we went to collect Robert and Freeda and we received the bad news: Freeda died few days before our return,they haven’t said anything to us to not ruin our holidays.My friend was mortified but I knew it was not her fault.It was Robert who killed her.Three fishes over one year dead in the same tank with him it is not a coincident:he is a bully and a murderer.We are now convinced that also the first fish didn’t jump out from the bowl but it was probably pushed out. So here we are at the pet shop again.Explaining to the pet shop boy we had an other loss.He gave us the biggest gold fish he had,but also told us to keep an eye on them .He also asked us if we notice little bites on the other fishes tail but we didn’t,we actually didn’t check but we saw Robert chasing them we said and he promptly replied that most probably Robert is a pathological hungry fish(we now have to feed them every day rather then every second day)that bullied his companions for food ,he told us to check on how it behaves with Patricia (the new fish)but if she doesn’t make it either then Robert must stay on his own in the tank.It must stay in a “isolation tank”.Obviously “sharing is caring” means nothing to Robert.We have a murderous ,sociopathic fish!

Everyday Inspirations:inspired by an other post……….

I read a post about self acceptance and I identify myself very much in it.

In particular the post’s author was saying how self acceptance creates authenticity and I cannot agree more. Most of my life I struggle with self acceptance.The whole me was never satisfying:my character,temper, as much as my physicality.It was so eradicated in me that I got to a stage where I was not even trying to overcome this feeling of being inadequate or judged anymore; to me it became a trait of my personality and ,like most people do ,I put in place my own cope mechanism.

To tell the true ,it was a very common one: I started to wear a mask,I create my own character who ,of course , was determined and strong. In a word very much self confident .I didn’t mean to deceive the people around me maliciously,it was more my way to cope with daily life and it suited me it worked…..for a while.People around me were happy.My mother had a perfect daughter,my husband had a strong independent wife who needs help in nothing……”she can manage”. Sometimes I couldn’t say where it was fictional and where it was not. I suppose I kind of identify myself in this part I was playing.Now,don’t get me wrong there was a lot of me in it but there was also a lot of pretending. The problem is when you pretend for too long,you will end up believing your own lie, until the day comes that your inner you and even your body rebel.I had panic attacks,i was constantly tense,unsatisfied,bitter. I had three car accident in 1 month……Something had to change…..ME. I felt exhausted,physically and mentally .I was the problem and I was the solution. It took a while,and I believe that the journey to self acceptance never finishes,but I made it through .I liberated my real me,I brought back what I was once and mix it with what I became as result of my life experience. I am not like my mother,I am not like my father, I might got some personalities traits from them but I am my own persona : I am made from my own experiences and beliefs .The life I live defines me. I stopped trying to please everybody,because that is not possible and not right. I started to please Me,because It is the only way to please the others too and truthfully. I took off my mask ,drop my character and started to be just me:take it or leave it,for me included, and I take it. I like being me.I like the spontaneity that came with it. Of course I left a lot people disappointed but unfortunately that’s the price to pay.If ever my daughters would ask me for advice ,the only one I would give them is to be always themselves. It doesn’t worth to put a mask on to hide our imperfections and our fears because sooner or later that mask won’t make us breath.There is no need to pretend to be better then we are because once we are ourselves we are also unique,authentic in our feeling,emotions,actions thinking and authentic will be the love,trust and esteem will be given.

Everyday inspirations:confession of a” map-phobic”

I have no sense of orientation at all. I can get lost in places and streets that I know for years.North,south ,east ,west tell absolutely nothing to me.When I go into town I still get lost if I don’t do my usual route. Never mind if I take the longest way,if it is the one I know it is fine because I know,at the end,I will get there.I am quite hopeless with maps too.Once I know from where to start I am ok but the starting point,locating myself in the map has always been a challenge.I remember a holiday in Spain.I was in my early twenties I couldn’t understand where I was exactly so I asked a local to show me in the map where I was and witch direction I had to take and for the first time I thought I had a clue about how to use a map. It seems easy peasy,I walked around Madrid all day without getting lost. Eventually I learned the trick and got my way around papers map,I thought. No,not really,the following day ,that I had to place myself in the map and decide witch direction to take,all on my own,I was back to square one. For years when travelling I relied on good souls I was asking for directions .Much easier then maps and,for me,much more effective.When I graduated and I moved to Milan to look for a job, I started to be called for job interviews, in different part of the city.I had to consult a map ,again. This time was even more complicated as I had to find the addresses through the map but,also,find the right metro or tram route to take to go where I had to be. I was dealing with multiple maps at one time. It was scary and confusing so I elaborated a strategy.I was checking the maps at home,find the address,find the way to get there and wrote everything down in a piece of paper that I was consulting on the way.It does sound like something that only someone with a very low intelligence would do,I know,but it worked. My then boyfriend ,now husband,was living in Milan for 2 years already and knew the city well enough.Obviously I never asked him for help with the maps as I knew I would get,help for sure,but also a very patronising look and tone that my proud and dignity refused to deal with. Only thing I asked him,it was the timing:like,how long,roughly,to go from A to B, so to be sure I gave myself enough time for my journey.Thankfully now things have changed. No ,I didn’t learn to use a map properly but I did learn to use Googgle Map!!!!!

I was actually doubtful at the beginning because I didn’t have really good experiences with the ” sat nav” in the car but under my husband pressure I started to use it.To me,best thing ever invented. I don’t ask for directions to anyone and I always know where I am in the map. I also discovered that it can find whatever you want near by in case of need.One day going into town I realised I was running out of petrol( it does happen to me…….I hate doing petrol,not for the action itself but because I actually hate spending money in petrol!)so I rang my husband ,as he drive this way nearly every morning ,to ask him if he knew if there was a petrol station near by and he said “check on google map”.I did. I was delighted with the new discover and amazed by what google map can do : me and google map together know no limits .Only thing sometimes it does bother me is the “voice”…….no,not the voice itself.She a very nice lady with a cute American accent ,the way she can be a bit annoying on repeating multiple times when you have to turn like you are death or are an idiot.I sometimes do get upset with her but I understand it is her job.

Everyday inspirations: the power of words “thank you”

A while ago I remember seeing a woman,mid fortys,packing her car and an older woman standing watching her.When the young woman had done and showed herself full figure I could realise the resemblance between the two. Obviously they were mother and daughter.Both tall and slender,blond,the same grace in the way they moved, the same style.But this ,was not what captured my attention. What captured my attention was what the daughter said before getting into the car and left. She hugged her mother and thanked her .”Thank you for everything mom ” ,the exact words she used . I don’t know why I have been so captured by the scene. I always thank my mother. Weather she comes to me or I go to her. It is a spontaneous genuine thank you for everything she does,(and she did)despite the multiple fights we constantly have,usually over futile things.

The fact that I always say those words myself,makes even more misterious why this simple sentence touched me so much;why I felt a kind of fascination for what I saw. I smiled without even realising it. I felt infused with tenderness.I remember thinking at all those daughters and sons I know that rarely thank their parents because they have been raised believing that they are entitled to everything they are given.It is a right , for them; it is duty for the parents. I felt angry and I felt sorry. I promised myself to never forget to thank my mother. I promised myself to teach my daughters to say thank you for what it really means ,not as a simple rule of good manners.

Everyday inspirations: “Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” — J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

I am not a religious person but I like to think about myself as a spiritual person.I believe in kindness and respect rather then in obeying commandments.Do I have faith ? Yes I do, just my faith has nothing to do with religion.I have faith in humanity, despite the many times I have been disappointed and I will be for sure again and again. I have faith in life.Many time in the past I have been told,in moments of crises: “don’t worry, what it is meant to you nobody will take it. ” and many times I thought :”gosh ,if someone else tells me that one more time I will kill them”.Well ,experience taught me that it is actually true. The loss of today is the gain of tomorrow. How many times we moan about something we couldn’t have for then realising that at the end because of that missed occasion we could welcome a better one.This is applicable to every aspects of life. Not to give up,accept what life is giving or not giving to you because at the end what it is really meant for you will come : this is faith for me.Faith can be everywhere, most difficult thing is to see it. By nature we think we know exactly what we want and what we need and we want it now. Too often by nature we don’t have the patience to wait and see; to sow and wait for the seeds to fully grow.Too often we leave the dark path when instead we should just keep walking a little bit further to see the light shine.

Everyday inspirations: a one day story.

Breakfast on a rainy morning

This morning we woke up with a very grey sky. It is just me and my husband ,our daughters stayed over at my parent’ s house yesterday evening. We overslept and got up with lazy limbs trying to decide where to have breakfast. Our holidays breakfast are usually slow . Time is never tight in the morning here. I got up first,have my 2 glasses of hot water and then I make the coffee. The balcony is small but big enough for a little table where we can drink our coffee and eat some biscuits while checking the online news. Nightshirts ,are the compulsory dress code. The girls prefer to have their breakfast inside but the door is on open and they can still enjoy the morning breeze. This morning we decide to go out for breakfast . I like a nice cappuccino and a croissant but I hate rushing in the morning, get up ,get dressed and ready to go at high speed. As much as the croissants are tempting I prefer my biscuits at low motion at home but, this morning is different. It is already late and dressing up ,straight after we get up ,and go it doesn’t bother neither me nor my husband, beside it is just the two of us,the process is quick and smooth. Once we are out we realised that those grey clouds have decided to let the rain fall. No thunders or lightning to warn us, just a sadden warm summer rain.We have to zig zag in between tourists strolling around with their umbrellas that, I thought ,were more dangerous then necessary considering it was only drizzling. We know where to go,it’s a nice little patisserie not far from where we are staying. We pick a table on the terrace, rain is not a problem because we are sheltered. We ordered our breakfast: 2 cappuccinos (very small.if you read my previous posts know what I’m talking about) and croissants filled with peach jam for me and custard cream for my husband. The rain stopped,the clouds starts to distance them self from one an other. A very timid sun tries to shine . The tourists face are shining too, with smiles : there is a hope that the day is not wasted.

Neither me nor my husband cope well with the heat .We rarely have lunch at the beach as those hours are definitely too hot for us,but today it seems the right day to do it. The weather seems to suit.It is not that sunny and the morning rain should have cooled the temperatures down . It is decided, we’ ll have a stroll and then go to the beach for a light lunch. We browse around the town main street for a while. We check out the shop’ s windows ,some of them advertising the final sales of the season, some other already displaying the winter fashion must have. I would like to take advantage of this beach/kids free morning to look for a couple of presents I want to buy for some friends but I soon give up because of my husband absence of patience.I am not used to go to shopping with him and now I know why,….if there was any doubt about it.

Lunch at the beach

It is nearly 1 o’ clock ,we briefly pop in at the apartment to wear our beach flip flop and go back out. The beach is just few metres away from our house .We are there . We already decided not to stop at the Kiosk straight in front of our place but to go to one of the following ones. We are halfway between two ,it is more warm and sunny then we expected. We thought it would stay cloudy but the sun keeps pushing his way through the clouds and when it can make it ,it shines at full power.

I don’t have my hat so I can feel the heat on my head ,I tell my husband we should stop and have lunch as I don’t want to walk under the sun anymore,actually neither does he. I have a toast stuffed with grilled vegetables and he has a club sandwich.

It is relaxing .We have a quick coffee and head home. Everything is still in low motion. We watch a late news edition and then I decide,very unusually ,to go to the beach early.My husband stays behind. He never comes down before 5.

Inspired by the sea

The beach is still deserted,probably most of the people are still deciding if the weather is trustable. I lay down my towel and move the beach bed so to have my head under the shadow. The sun is up but most of the parasols are still closed ,the sound of the waves to keep me company. I take my iPad from the bag and start to write. I never wrote at the beach ,only took notes on my phone to be elaborated later at home. I had my doubt about what successful this experiment could be but once I start I can’t stop. The light and sheer on the screen is sometimes annoying but I am concentrated,I am inspired. The words flow. The post looks already too long for a blog but ….never mind…I will break it in more then one post or paragraphs.I can’t stop now, it is coming along well,I think! I have been writing for a while now. The sun is completely out,the heat is back. I decide to take a break and go for a swim. I need to cool down my body temperature. In the very same moment I putting away my iPad I seen my husband arriving. Wow , only 4.30 very early for him. I am glad he is here . We go for a swim together . Rough green/ grey waves welcome us. The few children that are in the water are having the most fun. The adults complain about the chilly water but ,deep down , I am sure they are enjoying the waves too. I am! Rough waves bring us all back to childhood,we jump and dive into them and laugh when they take us by surprise,spontaneously like big kids. For once that we don’t have the girls with us and we don’t have to stay in the water for at least 1 hour my husband is quick to go out straight after his swim. I stayed behind ,this time. I like to indulge myself floating around. The water is a bit cold today but I can’t resist the fun of the waves.

I am out,it takes a while to dry my swimming suit. The sun is gone ,again. There is no much hope for it to come back,forecast are not very promising either and neither are those black clouds I see coming toward us. My husband leaves,he goes back to the apartment. He is bored he says,he prefers to go and watch some television. I stay,I will go bored watching television at home instead. I can’t watch tv during the day lately, it just bores me . I absolutely have nothing against tv but , for some unknown reason , I can’t watch tv at daytime anymore. Not only I find it boring but it makes me sad,melancholic. Evening time it is an other story. I always watch a bit of television after dinner. I take my iPad back out and start to write my story ,from where I left it. I am drown back into my writing but the atmosphere all around me has changed in the meanwhile. The beach populated,and nobody left despite the weather promises rain again. The noise quadruplicated from when I arrived. I suspect the mothers brought their kids down out of desperation, nothing was working to keep them under control in the house anymore. Teenagers gathered together telling loudly their latest adventures . Women in groups gossiping and talking most probably about the one of them is not there. My quiet inspiring time on the beach is gone: I put my iPad away, I fold my towel, grab my dress and flip flop and go home.

Evening time

Once I got home it is still early. It is around 6 o’clock and I am dying for a coffee. I put the moka on, get my mug of coffee and sit on the balcony. I am lazy, a bit bored, not willing to jump in the shower yet so I rang my mom ,chat for a while, speak to my girls too. We will go to collect them tomorrow morning . I am back to write. My husband is still watching tennis . I play tennis,for fun, but I can’t understand how he can spend hours looking at two people throwing a ball from onside of a court to the other. I am not a big fun of watching sport on the tv, not even the sports I like and play,but that is just me . Without realising it is nearly 8 o’ clock.He goes for his shower first,I follow. It is time to decide what to do about dinner. No way I will cook.It is holidays for me too! We go out ,walk for a while and then stop in a pizzeria we usually go . Dinner is tastefully and satisfying sorted,I could eat pizza every day. We don’t want to go home straight so we go for an other walk and a drink.

The evening is fresh,very nice to stay out,no sticky hot weather. We are sipping our g&t when the wind raises, and we can clearly smell the summer thunderstorm that is coming. All the lightnings we saw on the way ,they now make sense.

We rushed a little bit with our drinks and are nearly ready to go when the wind is sadden at high speed. The ashtrays are flying from the tables,the waiters are running around try to remove as much as they can from the terrace.The chairs are all on the ground ,the tables are sliding from one side to an other. All the customers are packed inside waiting terrified that an other hurricane would come , like last week. Fortunately,the worst has passed very quickly and without damages.

We leave the bar and make it home before the heavy rain starts. We are now watching television,an old episode of Midsummer Murders ,not exactly my husband favourite, but the only decent thing the are showing. It is nice tonight, we left the windows open as the the wind calmed down and the rain doesn’t come in but the nice cool breeze does. We won’t have difficult to fall asleep.

Everyday inspirations: Melisandre,Daenerys,Kim and Me.

I am probably one of the few person in the entire world who doesn’t watch “Game of Throne”.
I want to specify that this is not because I have something against this show, on the contrary ,those few episodes I randomly saw were absolutely amazing and engaging.
I am not watching it because I never did since the beginning, except for some replica at Christmas time last year, and by then it was far too late to start. I was already years behind in the series ,catching up was a mission impossible unless I slept,ate,drank,had a shower….did everything in front of television for few months!
So I am missing this great show,I am banned from many conversations as I don’t know whose kingdom is currently under siege and whose king has been assassinated last.
I am a rare specimen and not even because I chose it to be: only by the chance. I was not at the right time in front at the right tv channel.
I eventually started to get over my condition of outcast, and learned to go on with my life without any “Game of Throne knowledge ” until the Kardashians started to populate the mundane scene.
Here I was ,once again at the wrong time in the wrong place, except this time was absolutely intentional!!
I didn’t start to watch the first episode and have no intention to catch up with the Kardashians.
Very soon I am cut out ,again , from many topics of conversation but also from fashion discussion ,and this hurts most.
Apparently ,in fact,the tree sisters dictate the new rules of what is up or down in fashion and I wouldn’t now.
I always found reality show mortally boring.
Since the time of the first Big Brother.
I never really understood the pleasure on watching other people trapped like laboratory mouse in an apartment .
(The laboratory mouses are much more spontaneous in their action and reaction).
Let me have a little digression here: first Big Brother was what, like over 20 years ago???and new version are still populating our TVs screen!!!!
To me ,very low is the interest for watching anonymous people 24/7 going on with their average day, that is all but that!
I know now there is celebrities doing it. It is much more interesting!!!
Yes, celebrities who are called so , because in most of the cases they did the previous edition !
Well, if we are lucky we might see real celebrities: like singers buried from the spotlights by 20 years or so.
No,wait a minute those ones are more incline to participate to realities where they are sent away in deserted island and have to survive the hostile environment as much as the meanness of their fellow participants. Of course ,it is a challenge with themselves, they test their limits…….
My opinion: they go to loose weight, (VIP beauty farms are too expensive for them nowadays), in the hope of regaining a bit of success and decent money!
I know it is mean to say but ………seriously?..why would you humiliate yourself like that?????? It is behind my comprehension.
Now back to the Kardashians, why would I want to see, what 3 sisters and their mother, do with their days?
Apparently there are actually a lot of reasons why! The reality is going on for years and people keep following their spree of extravaganza.
Kim is an influencer now!
To me only good quality she has is that big bottom of hers,that makes normal ordinary women feeling a bit better about their back side, but I don’t think it is enough to justify her constant presence on the tabloids.
It is not enough to make her a role model to our daughters.
We all are a bit fascinated by the rich and famous but let them at least do something ,that requires more skill then marrying rappers,to gain their status and our curiosity and ,may be our esteem.
Am I to harsh?May be I am and may be it is also because I have never forgiven her for calling Ireland a “s… hole ” country .
But I bet her sisters secretly think and say even worst.
Well, can you blame them? Despite the big effort and despite being in the same show for years,they still are not as famous.
Still they are Kim Kardashian ‘s sisters.
In all of this i can’t not wonder what the father thinks:
He went from being one of the most famous American attorney involved in one of the most famous murder trial of all times ,to be Kim ‘s dad!!!
Poor guy!