Starting to get depressed now………I'm afraid my posts are not interesting at all……may be they are too long?too obvious?🙁🙄🤔
May be I should let myself go a bit more?but there is a limit on what you can write on the web???!!????😎hope not cause if I let myself go more there is no guarantees 🤣
I know first thought might be :"easy to say if you are Meryl Streep" but there is one word I find particularly fascinating in this quote,"VIVID".
I love the idea of being vividly myself!!!
Desperate to escape the heat,I was floating in the sea all alone and I started to sing "you can't always get what you want".Just like that,out of the blue and just like that out of the blue it did hit me that: "you can't always get what you want but if you try sometime you just find what you need".
Would you agree?
We organised a Halloween party ,dress up obligatory of course.I wanted for me and my husband to dress up like a couple,he didn’t even want to dress up😱
At the end I had it my way, and he quite warmed up to the idea of dressing up actually(to a point we are planning an other party for this year Halloween )
Two option:bloody doctor and nurse or Morticia and Gomez?
We both grew up with the Adams tv series so there was not much to think about.
Gomez and Morticia we were!
The night of the party came and we were absolutely fabulous in our costumes.
I loved my tight dress(of course my Bridget jones panties were keeping everything in😉),the red lipstick and the long black wig.
He ,on the other side,was perfect as Gomez,a very handsome one ….and enjoying his cigar.
I have to say we were particularly at easy as Morticia and Gomez and we really enjoy acting like them .
By the end of the evening I’m not sure we were acting but I’m sure of one thing:
we danced (tango obviously)and I fell in love all over again with “my Gomez”
Last 3years have been rollercoaster of emotions.
We moved to a new house,a house I really wanted.
the house was my project and I remember saying to my self "we can be really happy there".
But what was I really meaning with that?
At the time I didn't think about it ,to be honest I didn't even think there was some hidden meaning there.
But there was:I was running away from something and changing house was just a way to change life !
Then we moved .The first few months I was busy to organise our family life in a new house and new town,but once that was sorted I soon became aware that what was missing in the old house was still missing!!!
My life was busy ,yes,but dull…………
I was dull,or better that version of me was dull .
I suddenly see myself for what I became and didn't like .
Not only I didn't like it but also it made feel so uncomfortable that I had to do something and I did.
I worked on myself hard,very hard and not pain free.
It came a long way ,and the journey is not over(like my dear Patty Smith says "I am in a constant state of adjustment ")but I was eventually back to my old self.
My kids very happier,my husband allegedly so( in fact at the time he didn't really see what was going on).The only one was not happy about it was my mother,she still think my change and my well being is a kind of regression ,but this is a subject for an other time.
The husband,this is instead a subject for now.
He too became dull.
He is a very very clever man but unfortunately not very sensitive and particularly sociable but he is always been my "grumpy bear" and I have always been the exception:hard and private with everybody but me.And this always made me feel special then suddenly we went from being a golden couple to be a normal couple,we went from being best friend to be "just husband and wife".
I was not his babe anymore ,I didn't feel special at all and he, well ,he was there but he wasn't !!!
And we went on like that until I started to receive platonic attention from someone and I was flattered by all those compliments but you know what?it was nice to be courted but I soon realised that I liked the attention but I wanted them from my husband!
And that was it: one night I let it all go with him.
We talked and talked ,obviously my husband was totally oblivious to the whole situation but everything was clear to me we were loosing each other,we loved each other but we were not in love anymore and we both had to do something.
I was determined to bring back" the special us" and kick away "the ordinary us".
And we made it:He might not have noticed that we're loosing each other but sure he noticed how good our relationship(sex included)is now,even better then on the old days😊
Well you want to know an other thing???
I also have to thank the Addams family for my happy special marriage !
Why” truly madly ordinary”?
First of all to honour one of my favourite writer,and one among you who reads her knows exactly what I am talking about.
Second of all because it is a title that does describe quite well what I am…..or I think I am,but I am not alone…..and that ,it is something I am pretty sure about!!!
“Ordinary “is a word who always terrified me,in particular when I was a young ,idealist,highly opinionated girl ,still living by those values I was feeding myself through Baudelaire,Kant,Allan Poe,Oscar Wilde,Kerouac and so on.
And I was convinced my life would have never been “ordinary “…….I was going to do something with it!But this was then….before I grew up,before I actually throw myself in the real word. That world made of interviews,jobs,bills to be paid,a husband ,kids,dogs,gold fishes and without even realising it I was living an ordinary life ,or I thought I was,and so “ordinary” was not a terrifying word anymore:it was the most depressing word of all!!!
Me it was not Me anymore.
I suddenly realised I turned into a person I didn’t want to be so thanks to some good friends ,and a good therapist ,I drop the mask.
Best thing ever done!!!
“Ordinary ” was now only a word ,unless I was giving it the power to poison my soul.
“Ordinary”,and I am convinced of that now, is a state of mind we trap ourself in,because we are too hard on ourself,too self demanding,we constantly compare ourself to someone more successful then us .
What we should instead be doing is start looking at our own existence from outside,so to see that “WE” are the successful one other people compare themselves to!
Looking at ourselves as a third party and without all those absurd demands we constantly stress ourselves with , will eventually make us to acknowledge all those little peculiarities making our lives not ordinary ,according with the “bad” meaning the word is currently associated to ,but Truly Madly Uniquely Ordinary.
On the plane going on holidays.
This is my first time writing on a plane.
I usually read ( I love reading always being my way to escape from everybody and everything also,I have a tendency to bond with the characters,bringing them in my life exactly like they bring me into theirs.)
If I don't read ,I stuck my headphone on and look around checking out the other passengers trying to find out what is their story.
This is a little game that goes far back to my childhood .
Every time I was at the restaurant or in some public place (on a train,queuing at some museum ……)with mother we used to pick a group of person and guess what was the story between them: were they husband and wife?were they a family? Were they a clandestine couple enjoying their affair or just some friends hanging out?
When we go out together,me and my mom,we still do it sometime but not that often anymore but it is so eradicated in me that I do it by myself sometimes.
Sometimes I try to get an accomplice in my husband but ,he , is definitely not into it.
Hey, but my daughter is ,and she is a natural at it!!!
I flew them both to their grandparents few weeks ago and while queueing to board here she was whispering to me to check out some passengers so that she could tell me their story!
May be it is genetical!?!
Well that said, today plane was atrociously boring : really obvious couples,happy canonic families and a very loud group of student going back home until…. here they are :a man and a woman,middle age and very good looking,both of them.
They look like a couple but there was something odd about them…..
May be they just met,except you are not that tactile when you just met .
They were tactile with each other but at the same time there was a lack of ……intimacy?no that's not the right word, actually there was a lack of complicity.
They obviously knew themselves well enough to hug and touch and kiss but not enough to "predict" one an other what they were saying( and I think whoever is in a relationship,weather is work or not knows exactly what I mean) ,there was a lack of those daily gestures long term couple automatically do.So I was a puzzled .
They had all my attention .
I observed them better,closely,listen at them ,(for what I could of course).
Now I was sure they were not really together……
Well ,plane landed and the man jumped on his feet to get the cabin luggage ,already with his phone in hand turned on. He turned to woman and said:"my wife is picking me up,don't come out straight after me" and went.
I was right! Years of practise paid out!