A truly madly ordinary injury

It is slashing rain since early this morning.It doesn’t bother me at all.Sometimes I like rainy Sundays.Time to stay in,read a book and drink hot tea with biscuits.Lazily wondering from room to room, doing few bits and bobs.Well,more picking up staff from the ground left from whoever else leaves in the house with me.My husband and daughters were supposed to be away today,with the dogs too.I was supposed to have the whole day for myself!I was supposed to have the whole house for myself! How fantastic and so rare.So rare that I can’t actually remember the last time it happened……May be I can’t remember because it never happened before!My plan was not to leave the house,just snacking and reading and writing.Unfortunately none of this is gonna happen. May be the snaking is gona happen,out of boredom and nerves!Last night my husband fell victim of a severe case of man flu.At the moment I am nursing him and doing the best I can ,let’s hope he will make it through the day and the night.”Oh dear”,I think,”what would an average man do if having period’s pain every month?”.I know I sound vicious and not as sympathetic as I should be.Of course I am sorry he is sick and ,in fairness, it doesn’t happen that often and he is usually “brave”.Still I can’t help not to be slightly annoyed by the fact that if I am sick I have to go through my day as usual(unless I am sick on a Sunday)but,if he is sick ,he can be properly sick.Stay in bed,being nursed,not doing anything.I have to admit it I have a very bad timing on getting sick.Most of the time,in fact ,it happens when he is away. I remember few years ago I had a very bad intestinal flu.I remember doing everything in a sort of comatose state.Every time I was passing the bedroom I stopped by for a quick lie down .I was literally hiding from my own daughters and my own dogs to find some peace and relieve .He was eventually back,I was eventually better.Not really his fault if I fell sick while he was in business trip.The fact is ,things are not much different when he is here.I fell playing tennis once.I badly sprained my ankle.I know that,the fact I was playing tennis while he was working hard in the office ,doesn’t really buy me many sympathies but,In my defence,I have to say Friday tennis classes were his idea. We were not in the new house for long,school moms were not really friendly,I was withdrawn and finding socialise difficult.He was gone early in the morning and back late in the evening when not travelling.Not a new thing but loneliness was really kicking in.To join the tennis club should have helped and It did.The ladies I was playing with were lively and lovely,they warmly welcomed me .There was only one problem,they were far better players then I am and far more driven .I am not a competitive person and tennis is just a sport I play for fun.Soon enough I started to enjoy the coffe and the chat after the game more then the actual playing that ,on the contrary,was becoming a font stress and tension. When I am not at easy in a situation I talk a lot and become clumsy.I have a pronounced tendency to trip that a tarmac tennis course doesn’t help.My fall was predestined.I immediately realised it was serious.I felt embarrassed ,because it was not the first time.Everybody was lovely and I had an excellent first aid.I have been told I was not in condition to drive and because couldn’t reach my husband to come and get me,one of the tennis lady drove me and my car home.I tried to ring him again ….no answer.I then took a picture of the swollen ankle and sent it to him.At least it will see what has happened,I thought.Well nothing really happened.it was nearly time to collect the girls from school and obviously I couldn’t drive.Obviously,instead,I drove.That afternoon I also had to bring the dog to the Vet. I couldn’t cancel the appointment because the poor pet had a abscess in the middle of her forehead as big as a potato that had to be surgically drained.To go to school and back took forever,I was driving slow and walking even slower.The pain was increasing,I need to lift my leg up and keep it up.My nerves were increasing too:”why in heart dit it have to happen…..???????”As soon I was home I rang my husband again.No luck,again.Now I was officially pissed and entitled to be.No more guilt for falling playing tennis while he was working!At this point I had two options: going to the Vet or going to the clinic to properly treat my injury.I looked at my dog and I looked at my ankle:off we were on the way to the Vet .”It is a vet but”, I thought,”if he can fix animals he can fix humans too right?”.I like asking rhetorical questions to myself.The answers never disappoint me….never mind they are rarely the right ones!Ashamed but determined not to drive to the clinic I asked the vet if he could have a look at my ankle.I just wanted to know if there could be something broken so to avoid the clinic and being able to look after myself with some homemade remedy.Nothing broken but he suggested X-rays just the same .How annoying ,”why do I need X-rays if there is nothing broken?!?!””He is for sure covering his back being a vet and not a doctor”…..an other reassuring conversation within me and myself with lots of rhetorical questions and helpful answers.Back home I put my foot up and tried to rest as much as I could.The phone started to ring.An alarmed husband on the other side of the cable enquiring what happened:was I alright?were the girls ok? The dogs?He just saw all the missed phone calls.(For the record,I started to ring him at 11 in the morning,it was now 5 in the afternoon.).He was in a meeting and then forgot the phone in silence mode. Touched by his concerned tone I didn’t say anything bad and just asked if he saw the picture I sent.He did in a rush before going into the meeting and thought I was showing off a freshly done pedicure.I want to precise that I don’t usually send my husband pictures of my pedicure !!!”What the feck??!!”I hang up and sent an other picture of the swollen ankle,this time accurately dressed in a bandage,the vet did a good job after all.I sent a picture of the dog without the “potato”on her forehead too……………Just in case someone would think I spent my Friday playing tennis and lying on the couch with my feet up waiting for the nail varnish to dry.

Back to school

First day back to school:ticked and survived.I have never been one of those moms who cry at school gate ,even if I find it very sweet.It is just not me.First day of school is traumatic by definition. If you feel like you are leaving your babies ,it is sad and it will leave you with swollen eyes and funny nasal voice because of all the sobbing.If,instead ,you are happy to leave your babies(after the whole summer of having them with you 24/7 )it is disappointing because there will always be that person telling you:”you are the only mother I know ,who doesn’t cry on her kids first day of school on the contrary you look the happiest.” Now,even if you are happy your mood is spoiled and your quiet drive back home is erratic and full of swearing .On the first day back to school there is no quick drop and go.There are rules to be respected: greeting must be done,details about holidays must be given away,so that proper comparisons can be made.Competition is open.Mothers with dresses matching their daughters’s one posing in front of the gate to have their pictures taken before quickly passing the full pack to the new au pair.School bags,still new and in perfect conditions, replaced by new flashy one purchased in some foreign countries that have been the holidays destination.Let God forgive the ones who make their kids use the same bag and pencils case two years on a row.Politely and mannerly the war for the closest parking spots begins.Never an open argument but ,if looks and frowns could harm,there would be multiple murders.Dress code can be difficult too:if you are sporty you are shabby but,if you dress up,you are a vain yummy mummy…….If you work ,obviously you are a part time mother,but if you don’t work ,you are a sort of a lazy cow.School gate is a huge field disseminated with landmines .It is intimidating and whatever you do ,you can’t win!It is too easy to step into someone’s garden but it is nearly impossible to keep someone out of your garden.

Many years ago one of my dearest friend warned me that school is like a jungle and mothers are like feral fierce animals.She was right!

So,there I was,driving to school after summer break.Was I ready to see the same faces,to hear the same gossips and to bare with the same criticism all over again???Anxiety start possessing me.I am fiscally at the school gate now and a picture takes form in my head :the parents are transformed in vultures looking for a pray.Me? No sorry.I can’t be anybody’s pray today and ,no,sorry,I don’t give a thing where people have been on holidays.And ,yes ,my girls have the same school bags of last year.A big smile start covering my face.I see my friends,(yes you can make genuine friends in school…but you need luck).School is a jungle but I have my shelter.There are lots of feral animals but there are also few truly madly ordinary moms who makes school gate enjoyable.Off we go for coffee,cakes and a big catch up .

A unexpected visit from an old friend

I have been out running errands all morning.I didn’t actually have that many errands to run but having the girls with me slowed me down.Being away for so long made impossible to resist the temptation of treating ourself in one of our favourite coffee shop,in between errands of course.That slow us down also.We had a girls lunch today,equal cakes.A deserved treat before school starts.That was the official justification for the inner”healthy mom”voice that made me notice how lazy and not nutritious my choice has been.Not nutritious at all but so delicious indeed,beside these 2 girls spent 6 weeks in Italy and most of the time have been fed by their grandmothers,…..they had enough healthy nutritious food.Done with the errands and satisfied by our lunch we went home.The girls got themselves busy in the garden.I decided that,after a month of happy separation and no contacts whatsoever, it was time to rediscover my relationship with the iron board.Judging by the pile of stuff in the laundry room obviously it missed me more then I did! I confess ,I cheated bringing my husband ‘s shirts to the laundrette to be ironed,(one of the morning errand),but I still had enough to take care of:table cloths,few of my summer dresses,trousers and so on.In general I don’t mind to iron but I am afraid I still didn’t get out of the lazy holidays mood so it was an hassle today,but it has to be done.When I iron, I usually do it in front of the tv,(my exception to afternoon tv that I usually don’t watch).I am ready,all set.The iron is hot and television is on.Too bad there are still all the summer crap programs that bore me and gives me headache as it looks like the presenters are afraid of not being heard,(or reconfirmed in Autumn),and they shout like they are selling something in a market.I was hoping in some replica of “judge Judy ” or “doctor Phil” but no luck .By now I am nearly done ,I’m zapping to see if I can find a decent program for the last tablecloth when I hear a familiar soundtrack:”Murder she wrote”. Here she is:Jessica Fletcher.I love Jessica Fletcher. If I think about it, she has been with me most of my life.I was still in high school when they started to show her first episodes and I used to watch them in the evening with my mom.Then she has been my lunch companion through university: they showed her at 1 o’clock and if I was not in faculty ,I used to watch her while having my lunch and my break from study.I got pregnant with my first daughter and she was with me everyday,late afternoon.At the time I was back from work around 4.30 and after walking the dog I had a rest with my feet up on the sofa with her before dinner time.That show time schedule worked well even after I had my baby because it was feeding time and it was comforting to have my long time friend Jessica with me .Once back to work,unfortunately, we haven’t seen each other regularly for a while but after I had my second baby we met again. “murder she wrote”was on around 7 ,if I am not mistaking,kids were in bed and I could watch it while cooking dinner in the kitchen. Perfect timing once again Mrs Fletcher.When my first daughter was older,around 5,she used to watch it with me for a while.Her sister was already in bed but she was allowed to stay up longer.Cartoon time was over and we usually had a cuddle and a quiet time watching a bit of Jessica before it was time to go to bed for her too. I don’t have to say that the episodes were always the same and that I knew exactly how was going to end but ,still,there was something in that show that gave me peace and warmth.It always gave me a homely feeling .Back to today ,I was delighted I found it .I haven’t seen an episode in at least 3 years .May be there was even a chance I dint remember well who was the culprit!It had just started when my daughter walked into the kitchen and immediately recognised Jessica’s voice:”Oh Jessica.I remember her.We used to watch it when I was small”.,she said.Then she grabbed a biscuit and went to sit on the couch in front of the television.Out of impulse I turned off the iron and I went to sit beside her.We cuddled and enjoyed Jessica’s company together one more time.

First Sunday back home

It has been 5 days we are back from holidays and it already looks like we never went.It is always sad to leave but this summer we were there for a long time and the last few days It felts it was time to go home.Sometimes I miss not to live in the same country of my parents and my grandparents .Sometimes I regret I am not giving my daughters the possibility to actually grow up with their grand and great grandparents.A gift I had and enjoyed very much.I still speak on the phone with my grandparents every day.A daily quick call that it is enough,for me to know they are fine and for them to know I am doing fine and I am thinking about them.Sometimes I regret I can’t stop by at my mom just for a quick coffee but,would I do it if I was in Italy? Hard to say,we all have busy lives.I am convinced that what makes so special and deeply precious and enjoyable the time I now spend with them is the fact that it is not routine,it is a special time because it is limited and it is really wanted.May be what they say,that you don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it anymore,it is true!First day or two after coming back girls are a bit sad and melancholic too but then ,without even realising it ,everything goes back to normal.Our “real”life takes over.It is like we never left. These days are still a bit strange because school is not started yet so we are not really back to the usual routine.We are in a sort of limbo and what makes it ever more out of ordinary, is having my husband home unbelievably early in the evening,6.30/7 rather then the usual 8/830/9.August is always a very quiet month at work for him and he won’t back travelling until September.Today is the first Sunday back .We are up quite early.We overslept yesterday and probably had enough beauty sleep.I brought home with me from holidays a terrible cold and cough .In the last two nights I’m taking a codeine sirup to calm the cough and guarantee myself some sleep.It really works.Problem is ,it shouldn’t be taken for more then 3 days ,as it supposed to give addiction.Wow,I can be the first mom addicted to codeine sirup…..who bothers with amphetamine anymore when you can do Codinex!By 1030,we already had breakfast,read the news,made the beds.I am still in my nightshirt and no, I have no intention of walking the dogs .I walk them Monday to Friday,week ends are their father responsibility.The weather was supposed to be cloudy,but it turned out to be pretty sunny instead and warm.The girls set up their tent in the garden that is soon transformed in their origami and drawing shop.The first customer of the day will be rewarded with a free gift and I can’t miss this incredible offer.It is bad to say but with the amount of paper is used in this house we could repopulate the Amazon Forest.I suppose in a way is better then having 2 kids totally addicted to video games. My eldest daughter has been into origami for a long while,paper animals are ganging all over the house(swans,dogs,bats,peacocks,……)but now she discovered Kirigami as well.Basically pop up cards.She is still experimenting with them but,I am sure,we will soon be invaded by pop up cards for every possible occasion.Being the weather so nice we are having BBQ,it might be one of the last of the season.BBQ is my husband territory,I only take care of the sides.Today will be potatoes.I decided to do some roasted potatoes and some boiled too.Leftover will be eaten tomorrow for lunch,if any…..the house rule about potatoes is in fact:” they are never enough”.While peeling the potatoes,still in my nightshirt,I’m being taken by a sudden will of dressing up.I have spent the last 2 months wearing nearly exclusively shorts,t-shirts and Birkenstocks.It is time to regain some vanity!When I am done in the kitchen,I go upstairs,take a shower and open my wardrobe to find inspiration but also something nice and comfortable to wear all day at home.Here it is,my lovely new flower dress that I bought on sale before the holidays and didn’t have the chance to wear, yet.Not that I didn’t try,but,every time there was something wrong.I put it on one night to go to pub with my husband but apparently it was too much for the local pub.I tried again the following week end ,we were supposed to meet friends at the harbour, of course it started to rain and it really looked too summery and flowery.My last hope was Italy.I packed it and imagine myself wearing it while drinking red wine in the evening ,outside in the garden of the house we were staying in Tuscany.A hope that never did find its way to reality: First of all, while in Tuscany, we were gone in the morning and back in the evening,usually after dinner and most of the time so wrecked that the only thing I could drink was a glass of water after brushing my teeth already dreaming the pillow;second of all, we never went below 38 degrees:no way I could wear something long down my ankles.Today is sunny,there is 18 degree,I am not going anywhere ,in one word it is the perfect day to wear my lovely new flower dress.I put it on,pick some pendant hearings with red roses to match and I go downstairs to set the table for lunch.When my husband saw me,I could clearly see the terror in his face: “damn it ,we are supposed to go somewhere and I forgot it”.That is what he was more then likely thinking .He says nothing,I put him out of his misery and said:”don’t worry we are not going anywhere you forgot,I was feeling like a nice dress”.Pew,relief on his face. We have lunch ,BBQ is tasty as usual,potatoes are nearly finished,as usual.My husband is not a sport mad.Football,soccer,rugby season can start and finish without our household to be affected.Shooting season is different.I always joke about the fact I signed a premarital agreement where I agreed that potentially every weekend from 1st of September to 31st of January is booked for hunting.It sounds like a lot but it is not.It s never both days of the week end and in exchange I get to eat a very nice home made woodcock pate'(made exclusively with breasts).This to say that ,when he asked if I minded if he was going to watch the formula1, of course I didn’t.I can’t really complaint about his addiction to television and sport, beside,I grew up being fed with cars,motorbike,formula1 ,MotoGP and I always enjoyed that world.The girls are back to their shop,he helped me clean the table and then go sitting on the couch watching tv.Coffee is ready.I serve it to both of us in my nice cups and bring his to him.I leave it on the coffee table. I drink mine in the garden.I sit and instinctively let my head go back .I close my eyes for few seconds enjoying the silence .I feel the sun caressing my face.I feel content.I feel today I am happy just wearing a fancy dress for no specific reason and drinking my coffee from my great grandmother china.

The poison neighbour.

After posting about self acceptance I started to think about my neighbour.I think she is suffering of a total lack of self acceptance but she doesn’t know it.She is constantly on Facebook,checking in wherever she goes,but also spying on everybody else pages and whenever there is something better then what she does,(that it is not that hard),she never leaves a like.Few years now we moved in the neighbourhood and ,I am not joking ,I must have seen her smile may be 2/3 times.We have really few in common,probably just the address,so when I wave at her and politely say” hi,how are you”,is more a greeting then a real interest in how she is doing.I don’t expect 20 minutes of moaning about house maintenance,kids or leaves to be swept.That’s an other thing that get us apart, she hates nature:it s been years she is trying to get rid of a lovely row of big trees we have along the lane.Apparently at summer they grow too much and in autumn they loose too many leaves.Bushes must go too,they hide dirt and birds and cats…..actually only thing they hide is her kids littering.I know I sound a bit bitter too but we are talking about a woman who picked up my dog’s poo with a shovel(I haven’t realised the dog ran out and popped)and place it at my doorstep.I was mortified because I usually scooped up and rarely leave the dogs out in the front without lead, but I was also shocked by the gesture…..come on …who does that?:just ring the bell,tell me about the poo and I’ll pick it up!!!I always do it and she knows it.Well her turn to be mortified came when I showed up at her door with a box of chocolate to apologise. To be honest ,chocolates said “apologies”,my frown said “here you bitch,shovel all the chocolates down your belly and straight to your fat ass”!Now you got the character,do you? I don’t think she has anything personal against me,it is just she cannot control me,I am new in the village but I made my own friends and connections,ignoring her and her friends.I live my life,keep to myself,do my own things and don’t care about village’s gossips,dynamics etc.Fortunately my kids are not attending the local school.This way it I can avoid her and her circle of moms friends who seems to wear their active outfit all day long everyday, despite the fact that the only exercise they do is getting in and out their cars. The car,that is an other topic. She loves her big chunky SUV.If she was a man that would be the extension of her penis. Her car defines her,it is a statement of what she is and what she can afford…..except she can’t really.Car is in fact more parked then on the road as the road tax is too expensive.And I thought that the 80s/90s were long gone!!!!!! .When we first moved she was kind of acting like the queen of the road and ,in her mind,had a clear idea about our financial situation.Idea made by the cars we were driving,(we are only 4 houses in the road and gossips are quickly spread),until she found out what my husband does and by consequence how much he roughly earns.Obviously she didn’t like it, but ,thanks God,we don’t own flashy big car and we don’t hang out much in the village so she can keep the appearances! Yessss, she can really annoys me: She annoys me with her comment about me overdressing for school runs like I am a frilly idiot,( I like to dress up and wear nice accessories.I do it for myself and for my husband.I wear my dogs clothes in the morning and when I am done with the walking I take a shower and get properly dressed.);she annoys me because of her attitude toward nature and my dogs,(despite the dogs never went close to her or her kids apparently the poor babies,that are 9 and 10,are terrified of such big dogs);she annoys me because she blames my kids for not playing with hers but,every time they do it is a pain as my girls must play what they want or they go in crying,they have to let them win or they go in crying,active games are banned because they are both overweight and don’t want to run……

I genuinely think that if she would stop comparing herself with others and just accepting herself for what she is and what she has and be grateful for that,she would be much happier.

She, probably, genuinely thinks what the hell do I have to smile about,everyday, leaving the house and getting in my little shitty car.


For the record it is little but not shitty­čÜś.It is brand new,(except for the bump on the passenger’s door I got last year when I bumped into a van on a roundbout­čś│) and all I save in petrol and tax road I can spend it in shoes,plus i fit everywhere.

The killer fish

I am a dog and a cat person, basically I like fury pets I can interact with but I have to say I started to warm up to this fish business too. I bought my first 2 fishes when my eldest daughter graduated from Montessori and they lasted forever!!!!I had these memories of when I was a child that gold fishes never lasted long and they were constantly flashed down the toilet so I didn’t have big expectations.Horace and Jasper instead,lived with us for 4 years and one of them also lied eggs.I didn’t even know it was possible.Eggs didn’t survive !Horace ate them all and from that day Jasper became Jaspera!After they died,we didn’t replace them,busy moving house but soon after settling in the new house the request arrived and I immediately said yes. I think I missed to see the bowl in my kitchen and the dogs looking curiously through it.We went to the pet shop and got 2 gold fishes.When back home I went straight into the shed to get the old fish bowl.I was sure it moved with us.It didn’t. I looked everywhere but no sign of the fish bowl and still I can’t remember to throw it away but there was no way I could find it.It was not at home.By the time I finished the search it was 6 o’clock in the evening that means the shops were closed ,it was too late to buy a new one.For the night, we had to improvise and left the fishes in a kitchen bowl.When we got up in the morning,one of the two was lying dead on my kitchen counter. It jumped out.

Not much for a good start I thought. Girls of course were disappointed and fighting over whose fish died .I didn’t want to risk the remaining fish to jump out as well so I covered the bowl with some foil and pierced it for air.After dropping the girls at school and walking the dogs I went back to the pet shop to buy an other fish and a new fish bowl. I bought a little aquarium instead,that, I discovered it is much less work then the common fish bowl we had before.The trick is in in the filter that keeps the water recirculating so that it is sufficient to clean it every 3/4 weeks. Fantastic.

I went home set it up and decorated with coloured stones ,shells and a couple of little statues and put the fishes in. When the girls came back from school,they were delighted.Looking after the fishes is now their job,I only help with cleaning the tank.Robert and Apollo seemed doing fine until one morning we found Apollo dead.

When we went to the shop to get a new fish and told what happened they said that probably Robert bullied Apollo being considerably bigger.The pet shop boy made sure to give us a fish at least same size of Robert.Frederick arrived home.

Things were good for a while until one day ,Frederick was floating dead too.

Here we are at the pet shop again.I was nearly ashamed to ask for an other fish.

They must think we are eating them or smuggling them or,even worse,using them for illegal experiments. The pet shop boy this time made us lots of questions about the water ,may be Frederick died because of a lack of oxygen.He suggested to keep an eye if they were mainly staying in the upper part of the tank(apparently it is not a good thing as it means they are looking for oxygen). We went home with a very nice fish,red and white,big size to confidently fight Robert back.Freeda we called it.It had to be a female fish,she had lipstick.Yes lipstick!It had in fact this little red stripe just above her lips that really looks like lipstick.Freeda turned out to be a tough girl: so far she was the one surviving Robert the longest ,despite the fact we noticed few time Robert snipping at her and chasing her tail.During the holidays ,we left our fishes with some friends.We have the agreement to mind each other’s aquatic little friends whenever we are away and thankfully so far it never happened we were away at the same time.Back home from summer holidays,we went to collect Robert and Freeda and we received the bad news: Freeda died few days before our return,they haven’t said anything to us to not ruin our holidays.My friend was mortified but I knew it was not her fault.It was Robert who killed her.Three fishes over one year dead in the same tank with him it is not a coincident:he is a bully and a murderer.We are now convinced that also the first fish didn’t jump out from the bowl but it was probably pushed out. So here we are at the pet shop again.Explaining to the pet shop boy we had an other loss.He gave us the biggest gold fish he had,but also told us to keep an eye on them .He also asked us if we notice little bites on the other fishes tail but we didn’t,we actually didn’t check but we saw Robert chasing them we said and he promptly replied that most probably Robert is a pathological hungry fish(we now have to feed them every day rather then every second day)that bullied his companions for food ,he told us to check on how it behaves with Patricia (the new fish)but if she doesn’t make it either then Robert must stay on his own in the tank.It must stay in a “isolation tank”.Obviously “sharing is caring” means nothing to Robert.We have a murderous ,sociopathic fish!

Everyday Inspirations:inspired by an other post……….

I read a post about self acceptance and I identify myself very much in it.

In particular the post’s author was saying how self acceptance creates authenticity and I cannot agree more. Most of my life I struggle with self acceptance.The whole me was never satisfying:my character,temper, as much as my physicality.It was so eradicated in me that I got to a stage where I was not even trying to overcome this feeling of being inadequate or judged anymore; to me it became a trait of my personality and ,like most people do ,I put in place my own cope mechanism.

To tell the true ,it was a very common one: I started to wear a mask,I create my own character who ,of course , was determined and strong. In a word very much self confident .I didn’t mean to deceive the people around me maliciously,it was more my way to cope with daily life and it suited me it worked…..for a while.People around me were happy.My mother had a perfect daughter,my husband had a strong independent wife who needs help in nothing……”she can manage”. Sometimes I couldn’t say where it was fictional and where it was not. I suppose I kind of identify myself in this part I was playing.Now,don’t get me wrong there was a lot of me in it but there was also a lot of pretending. The problem is when you pretend for too long,you will end up believing your own lie, until the day comes that your inner you and even your body rebel.I had panic attacks,i was constantly tense,unsatisfied,bitter. I had three car accident in 1 month……Something had to change…..ME. I felt exhausted,physically and mentally .I was the problem and I was the solution. It took a while,and I believe that the journey to self acceptance never finishes,but I made it through .I liberated my real me,I brought back what I was once and mix it with what I became as result of my life experience. I am not like my mother,I am not like my father, I might got some personalities traits from them but I am my own persona : I am made from my own experiences and beliefs .The life I live defines me. I stopped trying to please everybody,because that is not possible and not right. I started to please Me,because It is the only way to please the others too and truthfully. I took off my mask ,drop my character and started to be just me:take it or leave it,for me included, and I take it. I like being me.I like the spontaneity that came with it. Of course I left a lot people disappointed but unfortunately that’s the price to pay.If ever my daughters would ask me for advice ,the only one I would give them is to be always themselves. It doesn’t worth to put a mask on to hide our imperfections and our fears because sooner or later that mask won’t make us breath.There is no need to pretend to be better then we are because once we are ourselves we are also unique,authentic in our feeling,emotions,actions thinking and authentic will be the love,trust and esteem will be given.